adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Every time.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.