at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.