today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
love it when they get my name right
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.