I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
multitasking lunch
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide