If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.