The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You Might Also Like
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If looks could kill
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.