Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
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Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.