So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Sniffing the broccoli
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.