My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.