Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol