*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
ugh not again
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”