me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
is this a threat