[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
This sounds bad:
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me when the borders lift
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”