TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.