I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
this country is so goddamn polarized
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”