Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.