Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
You Might Also Like
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.