My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Happy Star Wars day!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him