date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My what?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?