Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“I FIXED IT!”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying