Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
We’ve all been there…
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…