My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
first you must answer his riddles
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands