So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Realize this:
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”