I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I love the honesty
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”