A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”