Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
me after drinking all the wine:
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Do one person every day that scares you.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”