Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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good for her
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Boom, boom, ching!