Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.