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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.