If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Ape together strong
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
🤣
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.