Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
You Might Also Like
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
How can I say no to this ?