Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Noah
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”