*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Breaking news:
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.