Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes