There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.