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Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
No way!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
how to market bottled water to dads
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Erm…
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.