[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The glory of fall.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.