I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”