LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.