This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Nomnomnomnom
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio