STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
You Might Also Like
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.