Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*