[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
The French cow says MEUX…
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.