I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
beware of dog
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐