“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Lol.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Y’all know who you are.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.