Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.