I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
THIS HEADLINE
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.