if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.