Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
True
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.