I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.